


It's not a date, it's networking

by iloveitblue



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Except Natasha, M/M, Secretly Married, bc nat knows everything, no one just knows about it, well its not really a secret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 23:24:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8820472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iloveitblue/pseuds/iloveitblue
Summary: Clint and Phil are married. The Avengers were not informed. Naturally, the Avengers (sans Natasha) try to get these men dates.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LaughingCat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaughingCat/gifts).



> This is for the [Fuck 2016 charity event ](http://fuck2016charitymonth.tumblr.com/) happening over on tumblr. Join us. :)

The first time it happened, it seemed funny enough that Clint had tears streaming down his cheeks. Coulson, on the other hand, was not amused. 

“Oh, come on. It’s at least a little bit funny.” Clint told him, wiping the tear away with his fingers.

“I don’t see how their lack of knowledge about our relationship is at all funny.” Phil rolled his eyes, and glared at his phone again. 

Tony Stark had texted him about a date the he “definitely, swear on his SDCC 2011 rare Captain America Lego Minifigure, absolutely would not skip unless the end of the world was imminent”. This was followed by a picture of the most poised woman to ever grace his screen that wasn’t Pepper or Natasha. She definitely wasn’t an eyesore and she looked like she’d share the same interests as Phil - and the tiny Captain America shield button on her lapel told Phil that she’d be an interesting person to talk to. 

“Oh, come on. You don’t find it a little bit funny?” Clint asked then started counting on his fingers “We’re not exactly hiding it. Our rings are in plain sight. Natasha is not exactly subtle with her complaints about the public display of affection. That house is supposedly filled with the greatest minds this century has produced. The fact that they haven’t figured it out yet is beyond ridiculous, its funny.”

Phil had to give that one to Clint. Even Phil thought the Avengers would have figured it out by now, but between the incessant ribbing and meddling with what they thought was a non-existent love life, they obviously still had no idea that Phil was happily married to their teammate. 

“Should we just tell them? I mean, if they haven’t got a clue till now, they might never figure it out.” Phil asked. 

Clint grinned, slow and wide, like the Cheshire cat, or the Grinch.

Phil sighed. Most of their truly terrible ideas started with that grin.

*

Clint stepped off of the elevator with his coat hanging over his shoulder. He barely had time to breathe before Steve and Sam appeared in front of him with their arms crossed. 

“You’re home.” Steve observed, narrowing his eyes at Clint.

“Yes, I live here… with you weirdos.” Clint pushed his way through the wall of muscle.

“What’s wrong with her?” Sam asked, following Clint down the hall and towards the kitchen. 

“Nothing.” Clint fished out a bottle of water from the fridge and drank from it. 

“Then why are you home at nine-thirty on a Friday night?” Steve asked. 

“Look,” Clint capped the water and placed it on the counter, leveling both men with a stare, “There’s nothing wrong with her. She’s just not my type.” 

“Like hell she ain’t your type. She’s everybody’s type. I’m pretty sure even Hill would be into her.” Sam rolled his eyes at Clint.

Clint shrugged, taking his bottle, “Well, she’s not mine.” He waved the guys goodbye before leaving the kitchen.

“At least tell us what your type is!” Steve called out.

“Give us a clue, man. Help us help you!” Sam added.

Clint smiled to himself. Julia was a nice girl, sure - pretty too. If Clint was single he’d definitely be interested with the idea of a second date but as he said to Julia even before their night began, he is happily married and he’s doing this for his friends who didn’t know how to take a hint. They, Julia and Clint, ended up having a great night though. Julia felt disappointed that the Amazing Hawkeye was no longer available, but mostly, she felt relieved that she didn’t have to live up to whatever expectation Captain America might have set for her. 

“Honey, I’m hoooome” Clint sing-songed as soon as he stepped off of the elevator. 

Natasha waved her ice cream spoon at him in greeting without taking her eyes off of the screen - she was watching Nerve. 

“Where’s Phil?” Clint asked, hanging his coat on the back of the couch. “And why are you watching TV here?”

Natasha pointed toward the small kitchen, “I ran out of cookies and cream.”

Just then, Phil came out of the kitchen with three wine glasses and a bottle of red. He headed straight for Clint and gave him a soft peck. “Hey. Heard you come in. How was your date?” 

Clint scrunched up his eyebrows but smiled, “Definitely one of the weirder things to ask your spouse but okay. It was fine. I laughed at her jokes, she laughed at mine.”

“Did you tell her it’s supposed to get bigger once you’re doing it?” Phil asked with a smirk.

Clint tried very hard not to smile at that because it was rude but damn, that was a really good one. “Nope. I told her it didn’t matter since I like getting fucked anyway and my husband is  _ huge _ .”

“Oh yeah?” Phil asked, putting his arms around Clint and pulling him into another kiss.

“Yeah.” Clint said into the kiss. “Definitely.”

“Did you tell her you’re a screamer?” Phil asked in between kisses.

“You know, strangely, that didn’t come up.” 

“You guys planning to share that wine or not?” Natasha asked from their living room, still scooping ice cream out from the container. 

Clint took the bottle and the glasses from Phil, handed it all to Natasha and pulled Phil towards the bedroom. “All yours.” 

Natasha spared them a glance then it was back to Emma Roberts and Dave Franco. She pulled a knife from one of the hidden stashes in the couch and uncorked the wine. Hopefully, she’d be out of here before the screaming started.

*

All it took was a glance and Tony knew that something was up. Actually, even without glancing up, he knew that something was up. Why? Because Agent Phillip J. Coulson of SHIELD was whistling. And humming. 

He was whistling and humming what sounded like ‘For the First Time’ by The Script. It didn’t take a genius - even though he absolutely was - to know that something must have happened in the last twenty-four hours.

“You seem to be in a good mood.” Tony narrowed his eyes, bringing his coffee cup closer - just in case the good mood turned. “Did you finally make good on that threat about quitting as the Avengers liaison?”

“On that day, I’ll be dancing my way through the kitchen. Sadly, Fury still has that particular document on his to-do pile.” Phil said with a dry tone. 

There’s the Phil Coulson Tony knew. Still… “Something good must have happened though. You never come into the kitchen whistling. Usually you storm in here go directly for the coffee pot, then confiscate whatever birdbrain is trying to flick at Bruce.” Tony paused and looked around the slightly crowded kitchen - Not surprisingly, most of the Avengers were morning people, if only because they barely sleep. “Where is birdbrain?”

“He’s feeling a bit… worn out from last night’s activities. He’s staying in bed for most of the morning.” Phil answered, taking a bagel out of the toaster and spreading cream cheese on it. He grabbed a few strips of bacon from Steve’s cooked bacon pile and filled a glass with orange juice.

The pause was weird but Tony chose not to dwell. “Well, JARVIS, tell him I need him to come down to the lab to test out a bunch of new arrows as soon as he can.” 

“ _ Noted, sir. _ ”

Just as Phil was on his way out - with a plate of food and a glass of orange juice - Tony called out to him. “Phil, I got you another date. I swear this one is  _ the _ one. Educated, beautiful - the whole shebang.” 

“That’s nice, Tony.” Phil commented without even glancing back.

If it wasn’t muscle memory, Tony would have completely missed his own mouth and spilled hot coffee over himself. ‘ _ That’s nice, Tony’ _ ? What the hell? Since when has Coulson ever approved any of his ideas right off the bat? Never. That’s when. 

That’s when it hit Tony.

“Oh. My. God. That son of a bitch got laid.” Tony said to no one in particular.

“Language.” Steve scolded offhandedly.

“Shut up. You curse more than I do.” Tony grumbled.

*

Clint was relaxing in Phil’s office - feet up, magazine up, guard down (well, part of the way down) - when the Steve, Tony, and Sam busted in. Clint looked up from Entertainment Weekly then back down. 

“Gentlemen,” Phil nodded to them then went straight back to work. 

“Don’t you ‘ _ Gentlemen _ ’ us.” Tony sneered.

“Okay, then, ruffians?” Phil tried. Clint bit back a smile, hiding behind his magazine.

“You lied to us.” Steve accused. 

Clint, with curiosity temporarily piqued, lowered his magazine to see that Phil was staring at him, wordlessly asking him if he knew what they were talking about. Clint shrugged and Phil turned his attention back to the three men.

“Yes, I did. Several times. Although I try not to. Which lie are you referring to?”

“The part about you and Barton being single.” Sam supplied. 

Oh. So they finally figured it out, huh? Good for them. 

“It wasn’t like we were hiding it from you.” Clint said, still seated on the couch.

“It’s not like we weren’t dropping hints all over the place.” Phil added.

“I mean, come on, between the three of you - a genius, a strategist, and psychoanalyst - we thought you would’ve figured it out sooner.” 

“Well, you could’ve told us.” Tony said, throwing his arms in the air.

“We could’ve, yes, but why would we say no to a great networking opportunity as well as a free dinner?” Phil asked.

“Come on, man. That’s not a good enough reason. You had us running around like headless chickens, trying to find you guys dates.” Sam complained.

“That’s true.” Clint agreed, “You have to admit though, it was pretty funny.” 

“Nevertheless,” Phil interrupted, “We both apologize for our behavior. We should have just told you as soon as we figured out you misunderstood.” 

“Damn right.” Sam nodded, crossing his arms across his chest.

“Apology accepted,” Steve said with a nod, “So,”

“So, what?” Clint asked after it was apparent that Steve wasn’t going to finish that particular thought.

“So, who are the lucky ladies?” Tony asked, impatient, “I mean, I know it’s not Natasha for either of you. So, who are they? And, follow-up question, when are we gonna meet them?” 

Clint swore he heard a drummer in the background doing that ba dum tss thing drummers do after a punchline was delivered. Phil swore that if he had been drinking something at that moment, he would’ve done the best spit take in the history of spit takes.

“I’m sorry, what?” Phil asked, his brows already bunched up. 

“Don’t tell me you’re not going to introduce us to the people that actually managed to catch your eyes.” Sam said.

“Oh my god.” Clint murmured. He could actually feel the stupid pouring out of these three intelligent creatures. He actually wanted to cry for them. “Oh. My. Gooooood.” Clint repeated just for the heck of it.

“They still don’t get it. How do they not still get it?” Phil murmured, more to himself than to anyone else.

“What? What don’t we get?” Steve asked, looking confused.

“I thought they finally put two and two together, but they haven’t. How could they not get it?” 

“What about Bruce and Thor? Do they not know?” Clint asked the room.

“Pretty sure they know just as much as we know.” Sam shrugged.

“I thought we were all finally on the same page, but we’re not. We’re not even on the same book. Not even the same aisle.” Phil continued to ramble.

“Okay, now I’m starting to get offended.” Tony crossed his arms, “What don’t we get?”

“Should we just tell them?” Clint asked but Phil didn’t look like he was listening. He was still staring at nothing with a shellshocked expression on his face. “I’m telling them.” Clint decided. He stood up, rounded Phil’s desk so that he was facing the three idiots - Hah! - and slammed his hands on the desk, “We’re together, you idiots.”

There was silence in the office for a second before Tony squeaked a ‘What?’

“No, it’s- I- but Coulson got laid last night.” Tony tried.

“Unsurprisingly, I did too.” Clint explained. 

“But Clint went on a date last night.” Steve recalled.

“Which he came home from quite early, if you can remember.” Phil added.

“That would actually explain a lot of things.” Sam thought back. “They never went for any of the ladies we suggested.” 

“That would explain why I could never find Clint on his floor.” Steve added.

“But wait, if you guys are really dating, then why aren’t you all lovey-dovey and handsy and shit?” Tony asked, “Aren’t couples supposed to be all over each other?” 

“We’ve been together for more than a decade and have been married for seven years,” Phil informed them, “We’ve learned to keep things strictly PG when we’re in front of others.” 

“Still, I never even saw you guys cuddle once.” Tony argued. 

“Oh, for the love of-” Clint rolled his eyes, and pulled Phil into a kiss. It was just supposed to prove to the idiots that they were, in fact, together but Phil refused to let go, and the tiny smack turned deep, and hot, and oh so needy that Clint’s knees almost gave out. Good thing Phil’s desk was right there to support him. 

Phil released his lips, only to move to his neck, sucking and kissing the available skin there. Clint groaned as he tilted his head, giving Phil more space to work with. 

“And on that note, we are  _ out _ .” Sam decided for all three of them, ushering the other two out of the office. 

“You know, we haven’t had office sex in a really long time.” Clint commented, ignoring the three men trying to leave Phil’s office.

“Yes, well, you never really learned to be quiet since that last time.” Phil purred.

“Yeah, we should go.” Steve agreed, nodding nonsensically.

“What? But it’s just getting good.” Tony whined.

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the [Fuck 2016 charity event ](http://fuck2016charitymonth.tumblr.com/) happening over on tumblr. Join us. :)


End file.
